Baggage
“This is so much that I want to do, but I’m afraid to try because of the weight I gained. I don’t think my body can handle that movement.”
My client expressed this. She looked defeated as we were exploring her wellness path during one of our first sessions together. It’s true, over the past two years, with COVID interrupting our scheduled lives, many of us are carrying around more physical weight and that’s causing many of us to become disconnected from our bodies — both physically and mentally.
And I get it. When you’ve gained physical weight, it does affect what you feel like you can enjoy. It is harder to move. The physical effort of doing the activities is fatiguing. Often the mental energy it takes to put yourself in the situation and also draining. In the end, most of us retreat and watch from afar, simply wishing we could just lose the weight and return to that play.
I thought of this as I was doing my journaling too. The prompt that came to me today was asking who’s baggage am I carrying that’s adding to my own (currently heavy) load.
As I was unpacking this for myself and understanding that I am carrying a lot of baggage that isn’t mine, a connection between my client’s concern for her physical weight, and my struggles with the metaphorical weight of this load, were more alike than not.
How is that so?
Right now I am tired and physically stuck. Ironically, I’ve gone the opposite way on the scales in actually losing weight during the past year, but despite my slighter build, I continue to shy away from movement and play. I hide in my room when there’s downtime, to rest and restore. Desperately wanting to do something more active, but physically being unable to move. The weight of the baggage that I’m carrying is keeping me stuck. Just like my client, in order to return to the active life that I crave, I need to lose weight.
I wonder how many of us are in this space. Emotionally so weighed down that we can’t physically manifest the energy to move?
Let me give you an example of some “others’” baggage that I’m currently carrying.
I have a full-time job working as an online teacher and instructional coach. I’ve worked for this company for five years, but it’s only during the last year that I’ve moved into full-time. Before then, I worked at balancing this job with offering more of my coaching services. Just before COVID hit, the company lost the lead of one of the departments and it’s sat unfilled since then. I knew that I could fill the role and would do a good job in it, but I hesitated in moving forward in the application process. The more I heard of the struggle and need to get the position filled, the more I took that on as my role to fill. I managed to hold off for a year, using homeschooling my kids as the reason that I couldn’t, but once they returned to school I let my guard down. Even though I knew that I didn’t want to work full-time and that I really didn’t want this job, I let the idea of it helping someone else make the decision. I took the role last summer, and my sense of self has plummeted ever since.
Now I have a decision to make.
- Do I quit the job completely and free myself of the burden. Allowing me to return to my soul work and also the flexibility in my day that I crave?
- Do I stay in the position, knowing that if I leave it will be difficult for my supervisor to find another person to fill the role?
- Or, do I find an in-between.
Right now, I don’t know. My heart says to make a clean break. My head is saying to at least explore the in-between and see what happens. I’m still working through this.
The main thing is, I need to make this decision with my will leading the way.
This is a piece of someone else’s baggage that I willingly picked up and offered to carry, not realizing that it was a bag of rocks. They had told me it wasn’t too heavy and wouldn’t affect me much, but they lied. Will giving back part of this load allow me more freedom of movement and the desire to play again, or will it still weigh me down?
My problem is that I do this often.
If we shift from the metaphor of baggage that we’re carrying and look at instead of one of a dinner plate, you can see it another way.
Imagine going to a buffet. You pick up an empty plate and start looking at all of the food options available. You probably start by being sensible — a balanced plate with possibly a treat on the side. But as you go through the line, you see what others are getting and it looks appealing to you. You start putting food on your plate that you don’t really want, but you don’t want to miss out. Your plate is starting to get crowded and the nourishing food you put on is getting pushed to the side. Then, your friend puts some rolls on your plate saying that he needs you to eat them because they look good but he can’t have them due to his diet. Not wanting to be rude and wanting to make him happy, you accept. Other friends start doing the same. You’re Mikey from the 80s Life commercial. You’ll do anything for them. They keep piling on. Your inner voice is screaming “no”, but the polite you stays silent.
You head to the table and start eating. At some point, you realize that you’re full, but there’s still so much on your plate. Not wanting to be rude, you continue to eat. You feel sick, but can’t show it — that would be rude. Your friends leave to do other things, but you stay continuing to try to clear your plate. Eventually, you can’t take anymore — you can’t move because you're stuffed. And so you sit alone and wonder how to fix this. How are you ever going to manage to clear this plate?
The solution is this — only put things on your plate that nourish your heart and soul.
You don’t have to fill your plate. There are opportunities to go back for seconds if you wish to. You don’t have to grab what you don’t really need at this moment. Eat what you have. Rest a bit in silence to hear if your soul needs something else. If yes, go back for another round. If no, politely lay the silverware on your plate and fold your napkin. You’re done and complete.
If friends ask for you to take something on that doesn’t fit on your plate, start saying “no thank you”. They will find someone else to do it.
When we start eating from smaller plates or packing smaller bags, we also lose the emotional weight that’s holding us back.
It might not be all at once, but slowly as we start being comfortable to accepting less, the weight comes off. Eventually, we get down to an emotional lightness that allows us to move again, and in fact, a place where our bodies crave that physical movement again. We are comfortable in our skin to participate in the life we want, instead of being stuck and wishing for it.
And here’s the kicker — when we lose the emotional weight, often the physical weight comes along with it.
That’s where my client and I actually ended her session.
We actually explored some of the baggage that she was carrying that could be released. Her work for the week revolved around small physical movements, such as short walks, as well as exploring what was on her plate that she could trash.
As for me, I’ve been giving back the smaller pieces of baggage I’ve been carrying to their owners. I still have the bag of rocks that I need to decide what to do with, but the heavier it gets, the easier that decision is going to be. Eventually, I will have to let it go completely, and I know that when I do, I’m going to have to deal with the disappointment from those who asked me to carry it. Once I’m OK with receiving that disappointment and not being Mikey, then I will be able to let it go and be free to fully move again.
