Yoga Through My Seasons

I’ve been meditating a lot lately on my life path, both where I’m going and how I go to where I am now. One thing that’s been helping me center and ground this past year is a return to a mindfulness practice, and in that, a return to my mat and exploring yoga again.

I’m not really known for yoga. You’re not going to pass me on the street and think that I must be into yoga — I just don’t have that “look” whatever it is, and as we know, that’s really a lot of BS anyway.

But the truth is that yoga has come and gone in my life several times over the past 35 years, and I was thinking today about how my life and mindset in this current season reflects where I was when I first decided to explore the practice.

I first became interested in yoga when I was about 17 years old. That was a time in my life when I started to understand that the person who I was showing the world didn’t match the person who I felt inside. I had been raised to align to a specific set of standards, ask appropriate questions, and to basic please those around me. During these teen years, I became restless. It wasn’t that I minded who I was showing to everyone else, but rather that I knew I was much more. I had bigger questions to answer, and I felt so out of place in both my family and my social space.

I was raised Presbyterian and my parents’ religion was a core value that we were raised with. It was a given that we went to church each week, that we believed in God and Christianity, and that we surrounded ourselves with others who lived the same values. At some point during my early teen years, I started to become interested in more religious theology and spiritual philosophy. As I learned about other religions, I began to question why those believers were wrong. I asked these questions to my parents but was never given a direct answer. I’m sure there was a bit of fear for my parents in that I might stray from this religion, and I’m also sure that they just may not know how to answer the questions that I asked. My brains thinks a little differently, and I’m sure what I asked wasn’t as straight-forward and my memory recalls.

I didn’t mind going to Church with my family, but I did start exploring my questions more. You can understand that growing up in Oklahoma in the 80s and early 90s didn’t lend itself to a lot of variety and access to different spiritual practices. For some reason I was drawn to yoga and decided to start there. There weren’t the chains of yoga studios back then, and so I started the only place that I could think of — the library. I checked out a book on yoga (there were books on other metaphysical practices like auras and energy fields, but that’s for another time). I took the book and started learning the different asanas alone in my bedroom. I don’t remember ever getting into a set practice, but I do remember feeling that I was connecting to more of my inner self simply by standing in the various poses and breathing. I explored this was on my own for a few years, and then went off to college. And while the Seattle area may have been a more natural place for me to explore my interest in yoga, it fell away as I moved into a new season. When I started college, I also started living my life more authentically, and so I think that need for connection fell away.

In my 20s I tried the occasional VHS yoga class, but it never stuck. In my mid-30s, I was asked by the school where I taught to develop a yoga curriculum for the students as a PE elective, and my interest was reignited. I began a yoga training program, as well as attending classes to develop my own practice. However, the feeling was different this time. It wasn’t about the spiritual side of the practice, but rather only focused on the physical. I wanted to feel the sweat the and burn. My goals on the mat were focused on harder asanas and aesthetics. I wanted to look the ripped, thin, and flexible yogi that sauntered into class. It was more of a competition with myself than a connection to myself. And while the class that I developed and the time I spent teaching those classes were wonderful, I did not feel their loss when I moved away from that job. I was still searching for a spiritual fit, but for some reason, yoga was not it at the time. Or rather, I was not able to see that connection in my practice due to how I was trying to practice.

My mind has come back to yoga several times in my 40s. During the early years of this decade, I resisted the pull back to my mat due to another movement therapy practice that I was studying. Once again, I looked at yoga only for the physical asana practice instead of making the more internal and spiritual connection that it can provide. About a year ago, I started a daily (well, most days) mindful and meditation practice. As I’ve come to terms with my ADHD diagnosis and moving into perimenopause, I’ve realized that I need that daily mindfulness in order to stay grounded and get through my day. I’ve been spiritually unsettled again — searching for that connection that ground and settles me. Once again, I have been feeling like the person who I present to the world is not the same as who I am inside. I have fallen into a different set of expectation reflected by society and who I think I’m supposed to be in it. And while I wear this mask well, it is heavy, and I no longer want to wear it. Once again, it’s time to start asking questions and allow my authentic self to shine through and live the rest of my life as my most authentic self.

In early 2022, I began a different yoga training program that also included mindfulness — a combination that I couldn’t resist. And while I did explore my mat during the training, it wasn’t until I had completed the training that I finally understood my connection to this practice. For me, yoga is more than a way to sweat and maintain physical fitness. It goes beyond the asanas and instead is a way for me to connect to my inner self. Movement has always been a spiritual practice for me. I know that now, although it’s always been there. I find my center in walking and hiking. I am restored when paddling through water. I am ignited when training and competing. My true self shines through. Right now, the need to train had and complete is just not there. My soul is calling for restoration and connection, and this is where my yoga practice is beginning to shine again. I’ve allowed myself to actually bring my focus to my own mat and what I need today. I also know that my spiritual connection and connection to self are heightened when I’m in nature, and so that’s also where I’ve brought my practice — for as long as Mother Nature will allow.

Today I walked to the top of my yard, to the sit spot that I envisioned and created. You can see the open space from there — the foothills and the hogback. The clouds moving in. It is peaceful and fairly private. I may have a neighbor looking out at me, but I’m learning not to care. I unrolled my mat and moved through a gently Hatha practice. I listened to a bee buzzing around my head as I sat in meditation and was so grateful for its presence. I had a sense of peace and desire to remove the mask and simply let myself shine. The practice brought me some clarity of things that I need to let go of. That no longer serve me, but that I had been holding onto for the sake of others. It brought me a stillness to journal my thoughts and feel grounded as I walked back down and back to the going-ons of my day.

I find it interesting that yoga has called to me during the two seasons of my life when I felt so disconnected from my true self. I am grateful that this time I have the resources and maturity to explore it in detail, and the understanding of how all of the 8 Limbs of Yoga connect to what I am seeking and help to fill that spiritual voice. I love that the movement it brings nourishes me physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Finally, I am so grateful to myself for allowing this practice to be only for me, and not feeling like I need to take it and share with others — at least not at this point. That might come again in the future, but for now, my practice is for me and my mat, and that is just fine.